Borderline Personality Disorder, As Experienced By A Crazy Mama Llama

I felt that starting with the diagnosis that rocked my world, uprooted every vision for my life... would be as good a place to start as any. Mind you, those visions for my life were few to begin with and change with frequency. The more I googled information, the more terrified I became. I kept seeing phrases such as “untreatable” “unlovable” “avoided by psychiatrists because they were too difficult” "incurable"400% more prone to suicide". It was everything I already felt about myself, but it was here in black and white. It confirmed my deepest fear, that I would be alone and unloved forever.

I came to the decision to stop reading for a while and just see. Now that I knew that some of my actions and emotions were because something triggered me. My brain was not taught to react in a healthy way to those triggers. I'm in the midst of learning how to either avoid them, or take away their power. In case these last few posts haven’t already shown you, this is a massive work in progress and I still really suck at it. As I start figuring it out better, I'll fill you in.

Now before I go any further, something about triggers that needs to be said. They are YOUR triggers and YOU need to find a way to manage them, this takes work! You do NOT get to go around telling people playing a kazoo to stop, because kazoos are a trigger for you. That's not how this works hunny!

So for all those who have only read the scary google articles on BPT, let me share some of my insights. And no, they’re not pretty, it's a pretty horrific thing to live with….IF you let it be! Yes, I realize the irony of writing this just days after my last psychotic break and stint in the psych ward. But hear me out, it was the first time it’s happened in over a year. This is huge! And in the meantime I was genuinely happy. Like the happy you feel from the pit of your belly that makes your eyes smile. It's that happy that is the first thing you forget when you start spiraling, there will be more on this in a different article.

So in the last year here are the things I’ve learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, as it applies to my case. There is a spectrum. There are traits and not everyone diagnosed has all of them or at the same severity. This is my spectrum, I have all the traits and they're pretty severe. Those levels can be decreased, with a tremendous about of will power, something else I will get to at a later date.

To take the test yourself and see where you land I've added a link, https://www.idrlabs.com/borderline-spectrum/test.php

• I never developed a real personality of my own so I mimic those that are closest to me. Their likes, hobbies, aspirations in life, you name it. They become who I am for the time being because I have absolutely no sense of self. This makes losing someone so much more painful, because you’re not only losing someone you love, you’re also losing the you that you know and have grown attached to.

• I feel emotions in a very heightened degree because I haven't completely mastered how to regulate them. The best way to explain this is, say you lose something of importance to you, imagine the emotion you would feel. To me, it would bring the same level of pain as if I had lost a loved one. I know it's unreasonable and as most people describe it, “dramatic”, I know these things. It doesn't change the fact that those are the feelings I'm feeling. I don’t know how to properly regulate a level of pain or anger that directly correlates to the incident that caused it. Half the time it feels like I’m walking around with 3rd degree burns and things keep touching them.

• The ups and downs and the black and white. From the moment you wake up your life is a complete rollercoaster of emotions. Unlike bipolar, these are short term so I can go through many a day. I can wake up in the most amazing mood feeling like I will take on the world that day and win. To make all that tumble into an enraged pit of emptiness - trust me there is no other way to describe that feeling - all it would take is an innocent text message that was read in a different tone in my head, a tiny change in someone's facial expression or tone that could stem from a million and one things that are going through that person's head. In my head though, that text, that change in tone gets my head screaming all the worst things.

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They're just using you!

They're only pretending to like you!

They're talking behind your back!

They're plotting against you!

They think you're annoying!

They're angry at you!

And the absolute worst..

They're just going to leave you like everyone else has!

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• It doesn't take long for you to truly start believing it. They go from being the most amazing person, to the worst person alive; either black or white, there is no grey area in this state. The worst part of this is, this poor person has no idea that those thoughts are real in my mind, and they have no idea why I am now raining down terror on their heads. Their tone or facial expression could have changed for a myriad of reasons, a hard day, stresses of their own, none of which are what my head led me to believe.

• Fast forward enough time for my head to calm down, and to regain some rational thinking. To realize what I’ve done, the things I’ve said, the people I’ve hurt. The embarrassment and shame is indescribable. I’m a grown adult, I should have control! And yet, I had none. This being said, I’m actively getting therapy to get my splitting under control.

• The crippling fear of abandonment. I mean genuinely crippling. Every minor argument, every look that doesn't seem right, my brain goes straight to, They don't love me anymore! Why would I believe they loved me in the first place, look at them, they're perfect and I'm just a shell of a person. And the way I deal with that fear ends up turning it to prophecy. When your fear is that great, you grasp every little thing to hold on, to hold on to something you’re not yet losing. You need constant reassurance or you fear you’re losing them. This is not only unhealthy as hell for both parties, it does the exact opposite of what you’re trying to do. You end up pushing them away, fulfilling your own prophecy.

• One of my hardest elements to talk about that comes with this disorder, is the self harm. Simply because it the hardest to hide as you try to keep up this persona of not being crazy. Worst of all, it gives the stigma that you are just looking for attention. Trust me when I tell you how hard I try to hide my scars! They were never meant to get attention, they were never meant to be seen. Why then you ask? I'm not sure if non afflicted people experience that overwhelming feeling of over load? Too much pain? Too many what ifs? Too much paranoia? Too much everything, to the point where you can feel pressure in your skull and you feel like your chest is going to explode. The only way I know how to make that stop, to snap out of that moment, is to feel a different pain. That different pain for me has always been making little cuts in my skin. This is also something I've managed to learn to control for the most part for the last two years.

I could go all night on this subject but I'm fighting the nods, this crazymamallama needs some more Klonopin, and her bed. From the way I'm feeling after getting a lot of this out of my system, I believe I shall still be around to divulge more of my unwanted, but maybe helpful insights into the chaotic world that is my brain.

Thanks for listening my llamas!