The Pain of Closure Turned Epiphany… I Think

What I’ve come to realize is, sometimes finding closure is actually just the eye of the storm, not the emotional freedom you were expecting. You would think, closing a chapter that has brought so much pain for so long, and closing it with such finality, you would be able to gasp that peaceful breath you’ve been aching for. For me this is not the case.

What it brings is every memory associated with what has been lost. In moments like this, those aren’t memories of what led to the end, they aren’t of pain, betrayal and anger. The memories that closure brings are ones like... the first time you thought you found your place in the world, they’re joy, love, laughter… tranquility. The memories of events and feelings, that you suddenly realize, you will never be able to replicate.

The chaos after the calm began its descent on me today.

I was in the midst of rediscovering my footing and balance when the gales broke through and knocked me on my ass. What I can’t figure out is, why am I not still there. A gust this fierce in any storm would have me laying there for days…WEEKS!! But this storm… This storm was different. This was a storm intended to shatter my very soul. Yet here I am, a mere few hours after its initial hit. My hope is that my fingers running across this keyboard will bring me a semblance of an answer.

The most obvious new variable is this blog. These feelings and emotions I've had caged in this little iron box started pouring onto this screen like something possessed. I don’t know how they got out or even how my thoughts have organized themselves enough to form a complete and rational sentence. The Vyvance they started me on two weeks ago might be the culprit. From what I gather, this is a normal occurrence for non ADHD folk, some semblance of focus. This is the first big change I’ve seen since starting these pills, and it seems I might have a knack of putting words together in a pleasant fashion.

This purging of the mind theory works in that there is a lot less IN that little iron box, therefore more room for more crap to suppress. Or maybe it’s because I’m not putting it in that box at all, maybe I’m dealing with it head on…. But since we're talking about me, this would be a genuine shocker so let's not put all our eggs in that basket.

My other theory, the one that brings me the most comfort, is that the universe had finally had just about enough of me ignoring her. For all you skeptics out there, go back to my first theory, it’s the one for you. For the rest of you that believe that while we have free will, the universe has a plan, one of what should be. We make a million decisions in our lives that will eventually culminate to the same end, her plan. Now when you really start veering in a direction that is slowly cutting chances of that plan being realized, she starts sending little nudges, signs.

For the last two years I’ve been getting signs, ranging from little pokes, to giant neon lettering in the sky. No, I’m not saying there was literal writing in the stars, but there were things that made me stop in my tracks. Deep down I knew I was on the wrong path. Yet I couldn't let go of the fantasy of what could be that filled my mind. So I ignored and ignored. I stopped doing some things I loved because they were throwing those signs in my face. And I knew exactly what they meant.

The universe was literally screaming ...

“LET GO OF WHAT NO LONGER SERVES YOU”.

For you non pagans, this doesn't mean to only keep things around as long as they’re useful to you; and it definitely does not mean to only keep people around as long as you’re getting something out of it. When something no longer serves you, it simply means it no longer helps you move in the direction you are trying to go, it holds you back.

And I wouldn’t let go, I held on with a strength that amazed even me. So the universe, in her all powerful way, threw in a chain of miscommunications and coincidences that not even Loki could devise. She forced me to let go. I wasn't forced it in the sense that I couldn't have gotten it back; she made me let go, but it was still within reach.

When it was finally out of my grasp though, I understood, and with tears in my eyes, I waved goodbye.