The Fingers Are Typing, I'm Just Along For The Ride

Ok, we’ve summarized what brought me to this place, what made these words start appearing on a computer I haven’t touched in two years, now what? I’m trying to figure out the why of it, and why these words are flowing so easily. I'm not a writer. In fact, creative writing was my least favorite class in school. It's funny how it's stuff like that that I remember yet I wouldn’t be able to describe any of my childhood bedrooms if there was a gun to my head. Memory is a finicky thing.

I’m starting to think this might be a difficult feat as apparently my brain goes on tangents and so do the fingers on this keyboard. I promise to try to keep to one topic as much as I can.

I think what has transpired is this chaotic brain of mine was finally at its capacity for thoughts. Thoughts that never stop, that never take turns. Imagine 100 Karen's screaming at a manager, and that manager is you. It's all at the same time, it's loud, and worst of all, no one else can hear it, so there's no help coming. Now imagine 25 of those Karen's aren’t Karen's at all!

They have a legitimate problem that needs to be solved but their voices are drowned out by Paranoid Karen, Angry Karen, Ego Karen, Scared Karen and Sad Karen. You know that by helping a few of the 25, you could lessen the noise a little, but you can’t hear them.

Now throw in a stressor into the mix. As you’re trying to grasp their words, they sense the stressor and everyone gets that much louder. The 25 start realizing their voices won't be heard over the din and begin to lessen. Next thing you know, you're in a chaotic spiral with no escape.

I think this is the best representation of my brain at any given time. So if anyone ever reads this, and that somebody knows me, this is part of why I am the way I am.

So this chaotic, overloaded brain of mine took control, dug out the laptop and screamed “WRITE BITCH!!

Ok, so I’m here, I’m writing, what the fuck do you want me to write about, what is so fucking overloading that you can't wait and need it out?……

....... go figure, now it's quiet!

Let's start with a little about me. I’m trying to keep this as anonymous as possible because let's face it, we have no idea what is going to get unleashed when I get going and as my luck would ALWAYS have it, someone I love will get hurt. So let's keep it vague. I have 2 minions that from here on in will be referred to as Thing One and Thing Two. They are the only reason I’m breathing today and surprisingly unbroken considering the broken mom they had raising them.

I work in a professional industry that I’m still not sure how I squirreled myself into, I was not qualified nor experienced. Yet someone gave me a chance. Now if I can keep these psychotic breaks to a minimum, that would be great, I don’t want to lose this career that I’m fighting so hard to prove I belong in.

I have the most amazing supportive friends a girl could ever ask for. They never gave up

on me no matter how hard I pushed them away. I'm not sure where I would be without them, what I do know is, it wouldn't be anywhere good. I love you mamas! Thank you for always reminding me to show up, and kicking my ass when I refuse.

I have a non-traditional pet that I adore and I have convinced myself he feels the same way; even though he draws more blood from me than anything else ever has. He can do no wrong.

I’ve been diagnosed with a small array of different mental ailments that I started typing … and then realized that is a whole different story, or two… I’ll get to it on a different day.

So here begins my journey, sitting in my favorite spot, listening to the waves and the sorrowful music, sun shining on my face. For the first time in the last few days I see a tomorrow, a silver lining at its finest. Being the person I am, it could last a day, a week or it might become something that helps me forever, only one way to find out.